My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
