I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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