Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
