one word: firstdatebathroomanal
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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