Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
