I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
