If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
