Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
