if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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