I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
