No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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