i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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