My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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