Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
