Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
