I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
