I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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