Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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