in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
