somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
