I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
