why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't deserve a penis
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
