saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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