When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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