Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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