I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
