We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
