it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
