i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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