Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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