I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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