Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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