He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
