those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
