So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
