i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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