What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
