Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
