And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
