please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
worst night to have a conscience
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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