I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
