Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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