she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
