she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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