yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
