I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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