tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
