Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
