I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
