I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
