***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
