Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
